I read an article recently about friends being comfortable with people just dropping by to visit. The article challenged readers to tear down the walls of expecting perfection in the appearance of our homes that prevent us from having spontaneous connections with others. Many women think that their homes and children are a reflection of who they are. A friend reflected on this article and said that it caused her to really think about why she felt this way. She realized that her home is not a reflection of her but a reflection of the life that her family lives on a daily basis. It reflects children learning how to help keep it clean, the busyness of everyday living including the lunch boxes, dirty dishes, tiny shoes and underpants on the bathroom floor. It’s a reflection of the people she loves and the way they are connected to one another.
The struggle is real though. The struggle to do everything that we think we need to do. The struggle to be the best mom, throw the best birthday party, shuttle our children everywhere they need and want to go and then have a spotless house that looks like no one lives in it. The struggle is not only in trying to get all of these things completed before Monday morning hits us in the face, the struggle is in the fact that accomplishing these tasks feels AMAZING! It is an awesome feeling having your entire house (or at least one room in the house) cleaned and looking like it could be the centerfold in Good Housekeeping magazine. It feels so good that you imagine what you would say to the editor when they ask you how you get all of those stains out, as you’re admiring your freshly folded stacks of laundry, standing there in your tank top and underwear. But suddenly, you are pulled back into reality when the doorbell rings and you realize you’ve been cleaning half-naked, trying to decide if you are going to scurry to find something to put on or if you’ll hide until they go away.
I keep thinking about a question I was asked last night, “Were you always that way or did you learn it?”
I actually can’t say that I have always been this way or never think about what others might think about my house. I do take pride in taking care of my things, which is why I make time to sweep the floor when I can’t stand the amount of dog hair collecting next to dresser and why we have family clean up breaks, where everyone helps do some cleaning. I’ve also been teaching my 8-year-old how to help with chores, to spread the responsibility out a little bit. She loves doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom with disposable wipes. So, I sort and fold the laundry and she carries it down to the basement, washes and dries it and then brings it back upstairs.
As the years have gone by as an adult, I have gone through phases of having a tiny apartment, living with my parents, to owning my own home and each of these spaces has had its benefits and drawbacks for being able to connect with other people. When we lived in our tiny apartment we were in college with no money to buy clutter and it could only hold one or two friends at a time, so we had many intimate conversations and our friendships grew deeper. At my parents house, though it was large enough for us to live there without feeling like we were all on top of each other, it was awkward for making connections with friends because it wasn’t really my space. However, after going through a difficult health situation, I suddenly felt steady because I was recovering in the home I had grown up in. This is when I began to let go of the need to maintain a spotless home, because I wanted to make connections with the many friends and family who would stop by to visit. I realized that there is more to our friendships than the tidiness, decor or cost of the room we are sitting in. I brought this attitude along with me when we moved into our apartment and then again when we bought our house. I care very much about creating a cozy space for my family to live in, but I care more about the people who live there and the people who will come there than the space itself.
I suppose the answer to my friend’s question is no, I have not always been this way. I have learned it. I learned it as a result of going through a really difficult situation, but I am glad that I have learned the art of connecting with people. I believe it is something that anyone can learn, by jumping into it and embracing the connections that will prove to be of much greater value than the satisfaction of the Clean Room Selfie!
The struggle is real though. The struggle to do everything that we think we need to do. The struggle to be the best mom, throw the best birthday party, shuttle our children everywhere they need and want to go and then have a spotless house that looks like no one lives in it. The struggle is not only in trying to get all of these things completed before Monday morning hits us in the face, the struggle is in the fact that accomplishing these tasks feels AMAZING! It is an awesome feeling having your entire house (or at least one room in the house) cleaned and looking like it could be the centerfold in Good Housekeeping magazine. It feels so good that you imagine what you would say to the editor when they ask you how you get all of those stains out, as you’re admiring your freshly folded stacks of laundry, standing there in your tank top and underwear. But suddenly, you are pulled back into reality when the doorbell rings and you realize you’ve been cleaning half-naked, trying to decide if you are going to scurry to find something to put on or if you’ll hide until they go away.
I keep thinking about a question I was asked last night, “Were you always that way or did you learn it?”
I actually can’t say that I have always been this way or never think about what others might think about my house. I do take pride in taking care of my things, which is why I make time to sweep the floor when I can’t stand the amount of dog hair collecting next to dresser and why we have family clean up breaks, where everyone helps do some cleaning. I’ve also been teaching my 8-year-old how to help with chores, to spread the responsibility out a little bit. She loves doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom with disposable wipes. So, I sort and fold the laundry and she carries it down to the basement, washes and dries it and then brings it back upstairs.
As the years have gone by as an adult, I have gone through phases of having a tiny apartment, living with my parents, to owning my own home and each of these spaces has had its benefits and drawbacks for being able to connect with other people. When we lived in our tiny apartment we were in college with no money to buy clutter and it could only hold one or two friends at a time, so we had many intimate conversations and our friendships grew deeper. At my parents house, though it was large enough for us to live there without feeling like we were all on top of each other, it was awkward for making connections with friends because it wasn’t really my space. However, after going through a difficult health situation, I suddenly felt steady because I was recovering in the home I had grown up in. This is when I began to let go of the need to maintain a spotless home, because I wanted to make connections with the many friends and family who would stop by to visit. I realized that there is more to our friendships than the tidiness, decor or cost of the room we are sitting in. I brought this attitude along with me when we moved into our apartment and then again when we bought our house. I care very much about creating a cozy space for my family to live in, but I care more about the people who live there and the people who will come there than the space itself.
I suppose the answer to my friend’s question is no, I have not always been this way. I have learned it. I learned it as a result of going through a really difficult situation, but I am glad that I have learned the art of connecting with people. I believe it is something that anyone can learn, by jumping into it and embracing the connections that will prove to be of much greater value than the satisfaction of the Clean Room Selfie!
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